Hot Damn: Writer's Edit
by De'Letris
Summary: AU: In the beginning; there was Kanda, Lavi and Lenalee. Life was normal. Well, as normal as it can get. Now, let's add an adorable British teen and a very charming Portuguese male. Let's just say life will never be the same again. REWRITE.
1. I hate Monday mornings

Hot Damn: Writers edit. Take 1.

Dear Readers,

If you have stumbled across this fan fiction and found interest in it then good for you. If you've already read the Original Hot Damn and sitting there thinking, 'What the hell is this?' the answer is, this is my 'rewrite' of Hot Damn. Yes, it still follows the same story like as the original but I just had to come back and do some rewrites and such to try and make it better or I swear to God that it would come back and haunt me someday. So don't worry, some of your favorite lines or scenes and such are still here. I didn't replace the chapters in the originals with the new ones since I'd hate to tarnish my first creation. That's just another way of me saying I was LAZY. So I hope you have the patience to reads these once more and supply more reviews, constructive criticism or not, they are welcome. So I say, good luck (because I hope your brains don't melt and gush out of your ears and nose all over your desk) and enjoy (because I really hope you do).

Until my next long-winded rant,

De'Letris.

Disclaimers + Warnings: As per usual rightful owners, safety of readers, blah, blah, blah.

--

One: I hate Monday mornings

There are things that some people find unbearable, ghastly even. Like finding gum dry, sticky and stuck with an unpleasant color on the bottom of a pair of your new shoes or getting splashed with mud water as you walk along the sidewalk because some idiot decided he'd drive extra close to the curb that day.

How does this relate to the story you ask? Because, it all starts on a_ very _bright _Monday_ morning with our resident psycho.

Oh how he _loathed _Monday mornings. Actually he pretty much _loathed_ everything. Well except Soba. Anything else he pretty much hated to a T. Yes sir, Yuu Kanda was _not_ a morning person. The sun? It can go shine its fucking happy rays of sunshine somewhere else. Somewhere that's not through his apartment window, which to much dismay faces directly in the direction in which the sun rises _every morning._ How could you _not_ hate the sun? If Kanda could he'd put it out of his misery. Oh don't be distressed about vitamin D; it's called Sunny D and vitamin supplements.

7:00am and Kanda was grumpy. He just wanted to go grab some coffee and head to his classes so he can get on with life and _not_ look forward to tomorrow.

He walked along the streets avoiding the crowds adjusting his messenger bag strap to avoid it from falling off his shoulder. How he hated crowds. But, hell, he hated a lot of things remember? He walked to his daily coffee shop where he got his morning coffee so he wouldn't be grouchy because the sun woke him up but still grumpy because it's Monday.

Indeed the 'Innocence Café' was small but warm and welcoming. Its sign hangs overhead in big neat cursive letters made out of some industry fabricated material. A large window stretching across the front letting curious passer-bys to peer in to see what was so great about the place that had people swarming in and out. The interior was just as nice as the outside, there were some booths in the back for privacy and the rest of the room was furnished with tables, chairs, vibrantly colored paintings, a bookshelf, a small fireplace and a big couch pushed near it. The counter was off to the right side of the room near the door and all the workers were polite and happy to some extent that their little brains would allow. Completely clashes with Kanda right?

So why, you ask, would he even go near the place? Because, the Innocence Café was the only one near his residence that was reasonably priced; unlike Starbucks or Second Cup with their expensive but tastes-better-than-Tim Horton's black gunk. And never would Kanda step into a Tim Horton's anyways, bad memories, he never touched another doughnut again.

The little bell above the door rang gently turning a few curious heads as he opened the door and stepped in. The place wasn't that filled since not many people knew about the place but it gets enough customers to support the small café. The customers were usually regulars or people on vacation and such. Kanda made his was towards the counter a grim scowl dead set on his face. He looked down idly at his watch.

It was now 7:15am.

"What can I get for you?" A voice asked that Kanda didn't recognize. It was soft but loud and confident; it was laced with an accent, British maybe. He bent his head down the tiniest bit so he could get a look at the owner of the voice. What he got was white hair, gray eyes (that looked way too innocent making the…person look 10), and one nasty looking scar down the left eye. Kanda didn't flinch though, he'd seen worse…a lot worse. He wasn't an old man…or a girl; just a really weird looking…person.

"Um…sir? Can I get you anything?" The person repeated himself furrowing his brows in confusion.

"One medium black coffee." Kanda said automatically cursing mentally for staring. The boy rang his order and Kanda paid as the boy went off to fetch his order.

Usually it was the stupid rabbit that was at the counter.

"AH! YUU-PON!" Kanda twitched. He just had to go and jinx it, didn't he?

_Stupid Rabbit…_

"YUU!"

_Ignore him._

"YUU! YUU! YUU! YUU!"

_Damned rabbit._

"Don't call me by my first name you stupid rabbit." He growled.

"Aww! Yuu-pon's being all nasty! ANYWAYS! Have you met Allen? He's just the most adorable thing! HEY ALLEN!" Lavi rambled. Kanda swore he saw bunny ears stick out of the ecstatic red head. It was amazing that the redhead even breathed, let alone remember to.

Lavi was on the list of 'Kanda's great long list of things he hates'. Crazy idiot's hair was red and pushed up with a bandana. He wore an eye patch over his right eye. Nobody knew if he even _had _an eye under there. Kanda stood by his theory that Lavi fell asleep with a fork in his hand and he stabbed himself.

"What is it?" The white haired boy came back with his order.

"Have you met Yuu?" Lavi asked happily radiating off this beaming horror of bright lights.

Oh and Kanda also hated people who were _always_ so fucking _happy_. It's like the plague.

"You? Course I've met you Lavi." The boy, presumably Allen replied.

"NO! Not _you_ I meant Yuu!" He pointed at the Japanese only to find he was walking away with his order that he had snatched from Allen.

"Ah! Yuu! Come back here!" Lavi complained. He hurriedly jumped over the counter almost tripping over his apron latching onto Kanda's arm.

"Let. Me. Go. You. Stupid. Rabbit." Kanda gritted out glaring threateningly at Lavi.

"Why such an angry face, Yuu? You can't be mad a t lil' old me, can you? I'm lovable!" The redhead teased with a grin. "Now come over here and greet Al, like a civilized person, you dig?"

"One, yes, I am absolutely capable of being angry at you. Two, you're not lovable, just annoying. Three, civilized is overrated and four, did you just use the phrase, 'you dig?' like some hippie before and after taking an acid trip?" Kanda stated looking mildly disturbed. Lavi could totally fit in with hippies, no joke.

"Whatever man, you just totally killed the mood." Lavi rolled his eyes—eye and pulled a very reluctant Kanda to the counter.

"Al, why don't you set a _civilized_ example and start?" Lavi suggested not letting go of the Japanese male who was glaring daggers at both of the two _shorter _males. Okay so Lavi was like, an inch shorter but the other guy was like…_short._

"Sure…" Allen drawled cautiously. "My name's Allen, Allen Walker. And you are?"

Kanda was torn over whether to just punch both their smiling faces in and leave or just…_leave._

"And I'm busy." He decided to play it 'safe' as much as he hated to. He turned around on his heels, his dark ebony locks followed, and pushed the door open walking out without a second thought.

"I'll see you in class later than!" Lavi called after him waving stupidly.

Allen stood there shaking slightly with his smile faltering.

"Yuu-pon takes time to get to know. But I'm sure you'll warm up to him!" Lavi said still grinning but not as big as before.

"R-right." Allen smiled lightly. He was going to need a lot of time.

Kanda sipped on his coffee and glanced at his watch again.

It was now 7:27am Monday morning.

Oh how he _loathed_ Monday mornings.


	2. That British boy

Hot Damn: Writers Edit. Take 2.

Dear Reader,

I type to inform you that I have neglected my house duties to rewrite this chapter. I hope you're happy. Enjoy.

Pounding my head into the desk in hopes of a concussion,

De'Letris.

Disclaimers + Warnings: As per usual rightful owners, safety of readers, blah, blah, blah.

--

Two: That British boy

We salute the great Dark Order High school for advanced studies. Ah, yes, dear Black Order High. It's fearsomely tall metal picket fences, the eerie resemblance to a haunted Victorian house and the smell of last week's explosion in the science lab. It was quite the fine place. The bathrooms stunk of weed and some others things that best not be mentioned for the safety of our stomachs; the crazy coffee-high staff buzzing about or half dead. Yup, all was right, except…well, just keep reading.

It'd been a week since the coffee shop incident on Monday morning. Kanda didn't think he'd have to see the _short_ newcomer any other time of the day but oh, how wrong he was. Apparently later on that one faithful Monday morning the stupid rabbit had come to class dragging along a disheveled looking brat. What was the kid's name? Ellen? Allon? What ever. Anyways the rabbit decided to seat the brat beside the ever stoically scary Kanda and it all went downhill from there. He was amazed that such an idiotic looking kid could make it into Black Order High.

Kanda blamed the kid and not himself. The brat was practically begging for him to throw him out the window…from the second floor. Lavi left Kanda and Allen together alone secluded off from the rest of the social world. The worst thing anybody could do was leave some one with Kanda alone. That was fate worse than death.

"Um…Kanda?" Allen started idly.

Kanda had to look _down_ at him since he was so damned _short_.

"It _is _Kanda right?" He asked panicking slightly from the lack of reaction. He had a look on his face that screamed Oh-my-god-he's-going-to-punch-me.

"What do you want, Moyashi?" He growled not feeling up to the task of '_trying_' to be 'friendly'.

"Moyashi? My name is Allen!" The white haired boy replied with an annoyed tone.

"And I don't care." Kanda sneered looking away. Stupid kid.

From then on, Kanda would only address Allen as Moyashi whose reactions were amusing to watch. He got slight satisfaction when Lavi started in on the game but of course he'd never admit it.

As you can see, Kanda's social skills suck. Not the best way to make a first impression but hell, Kanda couldn't give a rat's ass and besides, that was a week ago.

--

Of course, not a single person could crack open Kanda's almighty shield of 'go fuck yourself' in less than a week. No sir, it'd take a person about 2 years to actually be considered a 'friend' to Kanda. But that was only the lucky ones.

Allen had learned that a few days after that day in the classroom. Lavi had oh-so-kindly pointed out that it only took Lavi about a year and a half before Kanda stopped pushing him down the stairs at every opportunity he got. If Allen was one of the 'lucky ones' he'd be fine and get away with minor injuries. Cheery, no?

Allen had also learned that the only way to make sure he didn't spontaneously attacked Kanda hoping to choke the male to death was to spew back his own insults in retaliation to the latter's.

And so, whenever they'd meet, they'd start throwing insults back and forth. Lavi would be there to supervise since he pretty much stalked the poor boy not that Kanda felt pity for him; better the brat than himself. The fights would end in the result of Lavi trying to pull the two off each other and him throwing a suggestive comment. Like 'Whoa slow down! Wait until you get into a room!' or 'Remember to practice safe sex!'. And THAT would result in Lavi with a black eye. Kanda took great joy as he watched Lavi walk around like a blind man.

--

It was now Friday afternoon. Classes had ended and Kanda was currently trying to avoid the mobs of rabid fan girls with their strawberry blonde hair and slutty outfits. Unfortunately for him he was stopped by one of those strawberry blondes. She smiled flirtatiously pulled out and envelope kissed it leaving a mark of disgustingly shaded pink lip gloss and tucked it into Kanda's shirt pocket. He started at it disgusted as the girl skipped away happily.

At that moment a certain curious gray eyed boy and redhead were watching as the Japanese plucked the envelope out of his pocket with much distaste and dropped into a nearby garbage bin.

"Does that happen to him often?" Allen asked watching as Kanda walked down the hall.

"You wouldn't believe how many girls are after him." Lavi replied laughing slightly.

"Oh…" Allen's heart clenched.

"Why? Don't tell me you like him?" Lavi teased pinching at Allen's cheeks.

"O-of course not! Who'd like that jerk? You'd have to be barmy." And with that remark Allen stomped off trying to hide the blush which he tried to convince himself was the sting remains of Lavi's pinches. But it didn't work out that way.

"I bet you do." Lavi said to himself with a wicked grin and a ghastly plan.

My dear Lord, why?

--

Saturday. 3:41am.

"What the fuck do you want you stupid rabbit? It's 3:41 in the fucking morning and I want to get some fucking sleep before the fucking sun decides to come out to spread it happy-go-lucking damned rays of sunshine." Kanda growled angrily through his phone.

"_Whoa! No need to bite my head off Yuu! I just called to talk about Allen with you!" Lavi replied as awake as he would be during the day. He was one of those rare breeds who could be wide awake anytime, anywhere._

"…I swear to God, you'd better have a better reason or I'll kill you in your sleep with Mugen." Kanda deadpanned in a grumpy tone. Mugen was Kanda's most prized possession, his best friend; which Lavi pouted at the thought of. No, he did not talk to Mugen, after all it was a sword. Don't look at me like that, he has a license.

"_I think he likes you! And I know you like him!" Lavi beamed proudly ignoring the threat._

"…You stupid rabbit what the hell are you on?" Kanda spat.

"_I'm not on anything Yuu! And you should give the kid a chance! He's much better than those girls at school!" Lavi whined defensively._

"Give me a list of good reasons why I should." The Japanese male hardened his grip on the tiny cellular.

"_If I told you would you give him a chance?" _

"No." He deadpanned. If Lavi could see Kanda, he'd have one of those faces that said, 'did-your-mom-drop-you-on-your-head-when-you-were-a-baby?'

"_YUU! But the kid's adorable and he has a great personality! And have you seen his smile? It could kill! Kill! And he's BRITISH! BRITISH YUU! I mean how many cute British boys have you met? None! That's how many! AND HIS ACCENT, DEAR LORD, THAT ACCENT!" Lavi cried through the phone hysterically."I just gave you good reasons!"_

"…No."

"_At least think about it Yuu!" _

That was the last thing he heard Lavi say before he hung up on him and threw his phone across the room; ignoring the clatter of the battery displacing itself from the phone. He just wanted sleep.


	3. You prick

Hot Damn: Writers Edit. Take 3.

Dear Readers,

Thanks for the positive reviews and I'm glad you are enjoying the re-writes. If you're lucky I might not drop dead at any random moment and such. I know I should be working on Fuck that Generation and believe me, I am. It's just kinda jumbled right now. But I'll get it straightened out and update, but for now have some more re-writes.

Slowly forming Carpel Tunnel,

De'Letris.

Disclaimers + Warnings: You know the drill.

Three: You prick.

Sometimes Kanda wondered why fate was a drag queen and enjoyed tormenting him while talking over the phone with the Universe and painting her nails metallic pink. If it was because he never went to church, it wasn't his fault, they banned him from the local one a couple years back and he was not going to drive to the other end of the city for some boring sermon. Whatever it was he's done wrong, he blames everyone.

Silence was all he could hear. It was quiet, too quiet. Kanda was not one to be paranoid but when it came to Lavi you could never be too sure. He could run across the street butt naked like a ninja and nobody would know what happened. He didn't trust the silence, not one bit.

He'd gotten his coffee without problem…unless fighting with the moyashi was a problem. He'd gotten a good whack in the head for calling the boy an immature 10 year old and just when he was about to strangle the brat the rabbit came out of nowhere and glomped him. Yes, that's right, Lavi is the only one daring enough to 'glomp' Kanda…or he was just really stupid. Anyways the rabbit had yet to appear. Regarding the phone call from Saturday morning, Kanda didn't feel exactly 'safe'. I say this because of the many disturbing text messages and voice mails Kanda found when he woke up on Sunday after re-assembling his cellular.

Kanda walked into class, hands stuck in his pocket at ready to punch any unidentified flying objects. He slid into his seat carefully staring at the door.

It was like the calm before the storm, you know, like one minute it's all happy and cheery but then the next people are screaming bloody murder running around like idiots. Yeah, Kanda was used to it and on many calibers.

Remember how Kanda just _knew_ fate had issues with him? Well, he was right because in a matter of very unnerving seconds he was surrounded by a colossal heap of girls all stinking of some shitty perfume and dawning pink; screaming out their undying love for him. All the other boys were outside the mob glaring enviously towards Kanda, though; it wasn't as great as it looked. It sucked ass.

"MOVE IT OR LOSE IT LADIES!" boomed Lavi from behind shoving a bunch of girls out of the way ignoring their complaints and dirty looks. They soon realized it was Lavi pushing past them and suddenly they didn't mind.

Kanda had his fair share of girls chasing after him but so did Lavi. They both had their own fan clubs all over school. Not even the football team could beat them, literally. Once, the football team tried to corner them in the alley after school but Kanda and Lavi went crazy on them and kicked their asses. They never went near them again. But they still shot their dirty looks their way all the time, not like they cared anyways though.

"OKAY LISTEN HERE YUU! I SPENT ALL MORNING THINKING UP REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH ALLEN. I HAVE _THE_ BEST POSSIBLE OFFER FOR YOU AND YOU _WILL_ LISTEN TO MY REASONS!" Lavi slammed him hand onto the surface in front of Kanda with a triumphant smile.

"…" Kanda stared at the rabbit. Yeah, that drug suspicion was rising.

"_YOU_ WILL GET ALLEN WALKER,_ THE _MOST ADORABLE and might I add _BRITSH_ BOY IN THE WORLD BUT! YOU WILL HAVE HIM WITHOUT THE HORRIBLE SMELLING PERFUME, THE UGLY SHADES OF LIP GLOSS, THE GIRLY WHINING AND PMS STAGES-"

"HEY!" all the girls complained shrilly defending their gender even though it _was_ Lavi.

"I'M TALKING HERE! Anyways, what do you say Yuu-pon?" Lavi beamed.

"I say shut up, sit down and leave me alone you stupid rabbit." Kanda crossed his arms and glared.

"But YUU!" Lavi whined, "I just made you the best offer for a boyfriend _and_ a date for prom!"

"Does the moyashi even know you're trying to set me up with him?"

"Yes…?" Lavi drawled.

"…" Kanda was not fooled.

"No. BUT IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE!" Lavi defended with a pout that made the girls swoon.

"No." Kanda sounded final.

"THIS ISN'T OVER YUU! I _WILL _SET YOU UP WITH ALLEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" With that Kanda watched the rabbit stomp off.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going? You're in this class you idiot." Kanda growled. NOT that he cared.

Lavi stopped mid-step and automatically turned around and stomped back and sat himself on his seat beside Kanda's.

"You prick." Lavi grumbled. Kanda took it as a compliment and smirked.

And that was the day that Kanda and Lavi got their first period off since Mr. Wenham stepped into class and tripped over all the fainted girls on the floor and slipped on their blood since their noses started gushing. Good old Mr. Wenham.


	4. What did you say?

Hot Damn: Writer's Edit Take 4

Dear Readers,

I AM NOT DEAD.

Sincerely,

De'Letris

DISCLAIMER + WARNING: Usual stuff, blah, blah, blah.

Four: What did you say?

"YOU DID WHAT?" Allen screamed, the loud voice echoing through-out the school yard.

And pause there. What a pleasant way to start off, no? What has our little Allen ruining his vocal cords by shrieking like a pre-pubescent girl who just found out their favorite boy band just broke up? Who knows, whatever it was, it was all Lavi's fault. And that reason has been justified and proven right ever since Lavi almost had the entire school die of paranoia since he convinced everyone there was a virus going around school because of the school nurse's Hepatitis B shots during his freshman year. Some body actually died that year but not from THAT. Anyways, indeed, Lavi is a fag; whether he likes it or not.

"SHH! Tone it down! Those creepy Yuu-pon fan girls might find us!" Lavi hushed the white haired boy whipping his head around frantically making Allen wonder if he even had a back bone. Pun not intended.

"Fine! But I have to ask something." The gray haired boy huffed flipping his bangs off to the side in a girly fashion.

"Yeah, what?"

"Why are we behind a dumpster?" Allen asked wafting the bad smells erupting from the dumpster away hoping they didn't crawl up his nose and make him smell nothing but it for the next few weeks.

"Because…those fan girls are after me." Lavi whimpered his eyes watering.

"You're pathetic sometimes." Allen shook his head disapprovingly.

So yes, Lavi has done something stupid, which is not surprising. Allen had been dragged away from his precious lunch that he eagerly awaited for through 4 periods of morbidly sad excuses of 'classes' only to be dragged away halfway across the school. Allen was _not_ happy.

"Lavi, I hope you realize one day that you belong in a mental ward and that you know I will await the day you return and I hope to the good Lord Almighty, you'll be at least a speck of a normal person." The gray haired boy rubbed at his temples sliding halfway down the wall.

"Uh huh…anyways, I am doing you a _favor_ by trying to get you and Yuu-pon together. I mean, you two are like, _fated_ for each other." Lavi drawled completely dismissing what he had just heard.

"I'm sorry; did you not notice the life-threatening situations I've gone through with that…_thing_? And it's only been a couple weeks. _Fate_ is like saying oil and water totally mixes."

"Exactly! I mean the two totally mix! I'm glad you agree with me on this matter!" Lavi gushed excitedly.

"N-no, I do not!" Allen objected wondering how his friend was passing Chemistry if he couldn't even register the fact that the two liquids did _not_ mix.

"You _like_ him. Don't deny it, honey. Or I'll be forced to take drastic measures!" Lavi said waving his index finger back in forth a bit too happily.

"Y-you're impossible!" Allen huffed turning away to cover his blush.

"Why thank you!" The redhead smiled sweetly.

"That wasn't a compliment!" Allen stomped off fuming at his friends antics.

And that is _just_ the beginning.

--

Tuesday, 4:19am.

_Riiiinnngg! Riiiinnnnnnnnnggg!_

"WHAT?" Kanda sat up abruptly hissing through the phone. He ignored the strands of hair in front of his face. It was still too early for him to be up and he was not happy. And if it was the rabbit, may the God or Gods be with him.

"_Er…sorry Kanda. Did I catch you at a bad time?" A feminine voice replied unsurely._

"Lenalee?" Kanda wondered out loud rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"_I'm glad you remember. It's been a while since we talked." _

Kanda could just _see_ her smiling like the little she-devil she could be.

"It's 4:21am over here. You couldn't have picked a better time to call so we could talk since we haven't done that in a while." Kanda stated sarcastically in a grumpy voice.

"_Oh…w-well if this is a bad time…" Lenalee said quietly._

"Okay, stop there, what do you want?" Kanda snapped twitching. If she cried, he was dead; for sure.

"_Really? You don't mind? That's great. So like, prepared to be epically stoked, don't tell anyone else this yet 'cause that'd be like, so not rad." Lenalee rambled excitedly._

Dear Lord, she _still_ talked like that. It was like the rabbit all over again.

"Just get to the point." Kanda gritted out.

"_Oh! Okay, right! So like, my brother and I are moving back to America! Isn't that like, ace?" Lenalee gushed._

"What did you say?" The Japanese was suddenly wide awake.

"_I'm coming home!" _

Oh fuck no.


End file.
